With the New Year comes the inevitable looking back so I thought I’d do a little looking back of my own and take you along for the ride.

I wrote this about a year ago, but never published it. It’s interesting to read it now that I have found a dr who is helping me get back some of what I once was.  Thought many of you could relate to my thoughts then and I wanted to give you hope that how we feel now, even if we’ve felt that way for a VERY long time (in my case here over 35 yrs), isn’t necessarily how we will always feel.  Sometimes God will lead us to the right dr, the right treatment, a better situation.  So here’s…Looking Back.  P.S.  I really did feel this way at the time. I haven’t changed a single word.

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I’ve been fighting my Hashimoto’s and Fibro and all the other health issues I have for a long time…trying to get back to the me I used to be. Determination and stubbornness got me so far, but it can’t bring me back to where I was. I am having to face the fact that I may never be the me I used to know ever again. I’m a control freak and I don’t like things being out of my control. It’s why I don’t drink…even a sip.  Trying to accept that and give in without giving up.

I’ve been fighting my Hashi’s and Fibro. Trying to do what I could do before it got bad. Having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I may never be able to be who I was. The person who ran up the stairs instead of walked and juggled three things at once is not here anymore.

I’m tired of being tired.  I’m tired of not sleeping.  I’m tired of being in pain.  I’m tired of having to explain why.  I’m tired of having to plan everything out.  I’m tired of feeling guilty for what I can’t do or for choosing not to do things I could push myself to do.  I’m tired of not being in control of my life.  But most of all, I’m tired of fighting it.

For more than 35 years, I’ve known something was wrong, but all the drs and tests said otherwise.  So I pressed on.  My personality is one of action.  I feel like a slacker unless I’m doing at least three things at once.  I was always able to push through and go on…until recently.

Several years ago, I was diagnosed with a non specific thyroid problem, Fibromyalgia and peri menopause.  A few years ago, it was specified as Hashimoto’s Disease and I was told I also had adrenal fatigue and reactive hypoglycemia—all of which were causing my insomnia.  I was hopeful that I could find a dr that would help me put my life back together.  A life I remember where I never walked up the stairs; I ran.  A life where I juggled motherhood, a business, housework and homeschooling.  A life where I was in control.

Over the years, the times I couldn’t control became more difficult and frequent, but through those times I always believed I’d find a dr who would find a cure.  I did everything each one prescribed without hesitation and without cheating reasoning it would speed up recovery.  But each time it didn’t, and I felt worse, I lost a bit of hope.  And each time I found a new hope, I’d give it all I could to get my life back.

I fought the fatigue, even to the point of exhaustion.  I muscled through the pain so I could accomplish what I set out to do.  Eventually, I found that I couldn’t do all I wanted.  I scaled down my projects and to do lists, but I resented having to do it so I often put things back into my schedule just to spite my illness.  At one point (aside from housework, homeschooling and running a business), I was writing three newsletters per week, a weekly blog, running a weekly online radio show, guest blogging, writing guest articles for various publications, running a yearly online convention and writing several ebooks per year.

I have to come to terms with the fact that there isn’t a cure for Hashimoto’s and my life may never be what it once was.  I guess I have to accept that, but I don’t want to give in.  It feels like defeat.  I have life left to live and a young son who needs his mom.  I just haven’t figured out what it means to let go of the fight while taking control of my life.  Maybe when I find a dr who will make a difference in how I feel on a daily basis.  Maybe then I can think clearly.  Maybe then I can learn to give in without giving up.

It’s time to think what God wants to teach me in this.  What can I do with it?  How can I get out of the way and allow God to use me and my situation to help others?  It’s time to let go and not be selfish and see the bigger picture.

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That time came when I repurposed this blog to minister to those struggling with chronic illness and other chronic issues. And my vision for 2015 is to reach even more people who are dealing with chronic illness and let them know they are NOT alone and someone cares and God wants to give them strength as He has given me, especially this past year during all my struggles both health and non health related.  Being able to minister to them and hearing how my writing has helped them know they are not alone and God loves them has truly been the blessings of my pain.

Since I wrote this, I DID find a dr who has worked hard to help me regain some of the me I used to be when I used to run up those stairs.  I have had times recently when I was able to run up the stairs as I used to do when I was young.  And, while I still have times when I need to rest because of fatigue and I am in pain due to arthritis or fibro or the result of my car accident, my quality of life is markedly better.  So here’s to more times this year when I feel good and less times when I feel bad.  And here’s to the very same for you.