JoJoisms

One of the worst things to say to a believer who is hurting

Written By: JoJoisms - Sep• 22•14

I wrote this a while back for another publication.  It’s the first time I began to think about how society (even fellow believers) communicate with those who are suffering, especially with chronic issues.

 

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” -Proverbs 16:24

SadI’ve seen it so many times. A sister in the Lord opens up to share a struggle she is going through in the hopes that the fellowship will bring strength to a weary heart. Instead of support, sympathy or understanding, she receives condemnation by well-meaning and faith-filled believers. In place of words of peace and comfort, they rebuke the poor sinner for not having enough faith. They remind her of the mustard seed, how faith can move mountains and how big God is, but what does that do to her suffering? Does it relieve her suffering or does it, in fact, increase it and place the blame squarely on her?

This is actually one of the worst things you can communicate to a believer who is hurting. Why? Because what you’re saying is:

1. Your suffering is your fault

By telling a believer that she doesn’t have enough faith in God, you are telling her that she wouldn’t be suffering if she only had more faith. Since she either doesn’t believe she has little faith or doesn’t see how she can have more, she feels you are telling her that she is ONLY suffering because of her own lack of faith. Essentially, this belittles her suffering. After all, people don’t feel as sorry for those who cause their own suffering as we do for those who are suffering through no fault of their own.

2. You wouldn’t suffer if you only had more faith

After being told she has caused her own suffering through unbelief, the only option given her is more belief. This is sort of like telling someone “Be happy!” Have you ever been upset and been faced with a situation in which you had to go out and put on your happy face? It was difficult, wasn’t it? Magnify that tenfold and think how difficult it would be to put on your happy face after having lost a loved one to cancer or after being faced with financial ruin. Can they do it? I’m sure some could, but what does it require? It usually requires a time of mourning, a time of rebuilding after a period of support and strength that comes from fellowship. Telling someone to have faith after you just told them they didn’t have any, isn’t helpful and it can be a huge detriment to their ability to bounce back after a devastating event.

3. Your suffering is not going to stop until you have more faith

This poor hurting soul who was reaching out for comfort and strength is now frustrated because she is being told that, no matter how the struggle began, it is now her fault, the only cure is more belief and she cannot find an ounce more in her suffering so it’s never going to end. She is now convinced her suffering will go on indefinitely! Struggles are difficult enough when we believe they are somewhat temporary, but when we see no end in sight, struggles take on new depths of sorrow.

We can all build our faith. Even the most faith-filled Christian can become even stronger in the Lord, but this growing in faith usually comes after a period of mourning the loss at the root of the struggle and a period of gathering strength from family, friends and the Lord.

Telling someone their suffering comes from their unbelief is unbiblical. Here are just three examples from scripture:

1. If all suffering comes from not having enough faith, why was Paul suffering?

And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.” -2 Corinthians 12:7

2. If all suffering can be reversed by having more faith, why wasn’t Paul healed?

For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.” -2 Corinthians 12:8

3. If Christians are not supposed to discuss their feelings when they are suffering, how can you explain Job?

“Even to day is my complaint bitter: my stroke is heavier than my groaning.” –Job 23:2

And the LORD turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before.” –Job 42:10

Telling a person who is suffering, especially when the suffering is new, that they simply need more faith is not only unhelpful, but it can frustrate and depress the person even further. This is where more communication skill is needed. Be careful at this vulnerable time in this believer’s life that you are part of the solution and not part of the problem

Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” Ephesians 4:29

Please share your comments, thoughts and experiences here.  I’d love to hear from you.

 

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

13 Comments

  1. Weirick says:

    Thanks for this, well written and great view point

  2. Charlotte says:

    Thank you Jojo; I needed this right now. God bless your day and I am sending you gentle ((hugs))

  3. JoJoisms says:

    I’m so glad you found it helpful. So many are hurting and feel so alone and misunderstood.

  4. JoJoisms says:

    Thank you, Charlotte. I’m so happy it was helpful to you. So many people struggle with chronic issues. Chronic illness is hard to deal with but is especially difficult when we hear people say things like this.

  5. C Kirchner says:

    You could definitely see your skills within the work you write. The arena hopes for even more passionate writers like you who aren’t afraid to say how they believe. All the time follow your heart.

  6. JoJoisms says:

    Thank you, C.

  7. […] weeks ago, I shared with you the worst thing to say to a believer who is suffering. Telling a believer they don’t have enough faith and that’s why they are suffering does […]

  8. Tanya says:

    So true. I have had people say things to me like that too

  9. JoJoisms says:

    So many of us have.

  10. […] these four things can help us to endure. So, as we saw a few weeks ago, sometimes it is the communication of others that make struggles more difficult.  Sometimes it is our communication with ourselves that can […]

  11. G Rudt says:

    Hello there, I am so delighted I found your webpage. I’m really appreciating the time and effort you put into your website and detailed information you present. This is really generous of you in giving without restraint what exactly most people might have sold as an e-book to help with making some dough on their own, even more so considering the fact that you could possibly have done it.

    You have some really great articles

  12. JoJoisms says:

    Thank you. I feel God leading me to share my experiences and lift others up who have chronic issues because I know how difficult it can be to feel alone in your illness.

  13. gem says:

    Hey- I am so excited I found your webpage. I’m really admiring the hard work you put into your site and in depth information you present.