It’s been a very difficult three weeks since my dh lost his job, especially after the challenges we had all last year. As I mentioned last week, I had not only lost my sense of humor, but I was overwhelmed by anger and sadness. I found myself thinking dark thoughts. Here is something I wrote during that time.
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I want to write sad words, the words my heart speaks, but I have to be an example.
I want to post dark images, but other Christians will tell me I have no faith.
I want to utter negative things, but some tell me that complaining only allows you to dwell on the problem and others have it worse.
So here I am, wearing my smile like a mask and my joy like a costume.
My dreams are filled with disjointed, nonsensical images, non-specific fear, and a sense of falling as if off a cliff to my death.
In the wee hours I find myself plagued by sharp pains, dull aches, nervous energy, and limbs that go jump in the night.
I want to cry. Sometimes I don’t even know why and sometimes I wish I could.
Odd, little things make me angry and I can’t always identify the source.
I’m tired, exhausted. I want to sleep, but I can’t and, when I do, the nightmares creep back into my mind. My soul longs for peace.
So here I am, walking through life as if playing a part…trying desperately not to break character and failing miserably.
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I am grateful to God that I can report that I do feel much better this week. I’ll explain a little more about that in next week’s blog post. But for now, I just wanted to share how I felt because I know there are many of my readers who feel or felt the same way at one time or another. It’s okay to feel sad, overwhelmed and afraid. It helps to trust God to show you the way home from there. I found my way and I’ll share that next week.
“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” -Isaiah 41:10
This post spoke volumes to me. My fibro affects everything I do, but I am determined to still shine for the Lord through all of the pain and the brain fog and any other valley I go through. He lifts my feet from the miry clay and puts a new song in my mouth (Psalm 40)! Thank you for writing what I can’t seem to say, JoJo.May God bless your ministry!
Jo Jo thank you for being open and honest about your struggles. So many of us try to hide these types of thought and feelings. I’m so glad you are feeling better.
Thank you, Charlotte. My heart wants to help so many others who deal with chronic issues to know they are not alone as, I know, they feel.
Thank you, Tricia. The Lord tells me to share. I must admit I am always nervous about sharing things like this, but they seem to be the posts that speak the most to others.
JoJo,
Praying for you and your husband. I lost a job of 14 years that was followed by 7 years of awful employment situations. I pray God provides for the two of you without the awful part BUT IF NOT (see blog post with this title) He has not abandoned you. Thanks for being transparent. It’s so easy to deny our pain with a trite God is in control. True, but that does not make us exempt from pain.
Thank you, Steven!
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[…] weeks ago, I shared the dark place I was in after my year of faith that never (always) was and my husband’s job loss. This […]